


Three Divas in a Room Bitching

by flibbertygigget



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Drag Queens, Fluff, Gen, HIV/AIDS, Light Angst, Outfit Porn, Post-Canon, slight crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-23 08:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19147300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flibbertygigget/pseuds/flibbertygigget
Summary: In which two straight boys do drag, Trina does a mean Cher impression, and Marvin is definitely a Dolly Parton gay.





	Three Divas in a Room Bitching

The biggest pain in the ass was that Mendel had to shave off his beard.  
  
Not that he had kicked up a fuss about that, mind you. He was the one to come up with the plot in the first place. But when he shaved off his beard he somehow, despite being a 45-year-old man, looked younger than Jason. Not to mention that he was the only one of the three of them with body hair almost long enough to braid. When he had proposed the idea to cheer up the guys with the gayest thing a straight guy could come up with, he hadn't expected to have to get his chest waxed. And his legs. And his arms.  
  
Still, despite all that, Mendel remained excited, almost as excited as Jason.  
  
Getting their gear into the hospital was easy, even if the lady at the reception desk looked at their backpacks and suitcases a little oddly. Jason was a life saver when it came to the more technical parts of their transformations; he'd apparently been smart enough to grill one of his queen friends for tips. Mendel was afraid his makeup would crack if he smiled too wide and the eyelashes were going to be a bitch to take off, but he felt ready.  
  
Shit, he felt more than ready.  
  
"Showtime," his nearly unrecognizable wife said quietly as they hovered outside the AIDS ward. "Who's going first?"  
  
"That would be me," Jason said, patting his short blonde wig and swinging the boombox up onto his shoulder. He was dressed in a leather-and-lace corset, black stockings, and heels that made Mendel glad that he'd chosen a country song. His stepson winked at them in a way that made Trina purse her lips disapprovingly. "Well, wish me luck."  
  
Jason burst into the ward with the confidence of an actual diva. "Come on, girls!" he yelled. "Do you believe in love? 'Cause I have something to say about it, and it goes something like this!" The opening strains of Madonna's "Express Yourself" blared through the slightly open door.  
  
Mendel peeked through the small window. He could only see bits and pieces of Jason's routine, but from what he could tell it seemed to be part Madonna, part Elvis, and part just straight-up stripper. Not that Mendel had much experience with any of those things, but he got the idea. From the way that the guys inside were laughing and whooping, it seemed like they did, too.  
  
Mendel readjusted his boobs. They were about the only part of him he was feeling confident about at the moment, and unfortunately he was going right into one of the few places on earth that their chance of impressing was pretty much nil. Still, he didn't look _bad_. With his rhinestone studded jean jacket and cowboy boots, his half unbuttoned flannel crop top and very short shorts, he looked like either Daisy Duke or a slutty cowgirl Halloween costume. Add the long, curly blonde wig and his transformation was complete.  
  
"You'll be fine," Trina whispered just as a loud burst of applause signaled that Jason's song was done. Mendel took a deep breath.  
  
"And now, gentlemen, all the way from Tennessee, Ms. Dolly Parton!" Jason announced. Mendel found himself flying through the door and shaking his ass along to "Why'd You Come in Here Lookin' Like That" almost on instinct. And he had to admit that he felt fabulous, having a bunch of guys wolf whistling and cheering, making dying young men look their age for once. He even forgot about his potentially cracking makeup, grinning so hard that his cheeks hurt. After two and a half minutes the song ended, and after taking his bows and his share of the applause he turned to the door.  
  
"Finally," he said, "we have the Goddess of Pop herself, Cher!"  
  
Unlike Jason and Mendel's bombastic entrances, Trina moved through the door coolly, allowing the slow beginning "If I Could Turn Back Time" to carry her forward naturally. Mendel didn't know where the hell she'd found her outfit, but it was full-on Cher. Trina wore a full-body mesh jumpsuit that hid absolutely nothing, with only black lingerie bottoms and two strips of black fabric over her breasts like a swimsuit to cover her. A leather jacket, studded belt, and black boots with killer heels completed the ensemble. Just add in the black wig, and you had Cher, there in the flesh.  
  
When the background singers came in on the chorus, Jason started lip-syncing along, and Mendel quickly caught on and followed his lead. By the end of the song they were all dancing, and maybe it wasn't well-choreographed or even that good but it was _fun_ , and that was what was needed in this place during these times. When the song ended, there was the biggest burst of applause yet, and Jason led the three of them in bowing and flinging aside their wigs. Not even Marvin cracking up at the far end of the room could temper Mendel's adrenaline-induced giddiness.  
  
"Is it bad," Marvin said to Trina a little later, when the rest of the patients had already gotten their compliments and heavy flirting out of their systems, "that I found Mendel as Dolly Parton pretty hot?"  
  
"Your husband-in-law?" Trina said. "It's not unsurprising, but it is a little disturbing from an outside perspective."  
  
"What can I say?" Mendel said. "He's got good taste."  
  
"Ew," Jason said. "You look about twelve."  
  
"No I don't!" Mendel argued, but he could tell from the looks everyone within earshot was giving him that there was no hope for him. "This is why I have a beard."

**Author's Note:**

> Songs used:  
> ["Express Yourself" by Madonna](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsVcUzP_O_8)  
> ["Why'd You Come In Here Lookin' Like That" by Dolly Parton](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD8bW1rWqOA)  
> ["If I Could Turn Back Time" by Cher](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsKbwR7WXN4)
> 
> All the songs are from 1989, so that's theoretically the year this fic takes place.


End file.
